Memo to City Council:
KABOOM!

Our intrepid columnist, while viewing the future, came across this secret memo detailing development plans for all those ugly, historic buildings in the city's core.
It reads:

By JOE FIORITO
National Post city columnist

Dear Sirs:
       Now that we've achieved our goal of stripping most of the older so-called "heritage" buildings out of the downtown core, it's time we examined some of the development opportunities that remain.
       Normally, at this point in the process, we'd submit our list of proposals for your advice and comment, and begin an extensive round of public consultations, but since you have already shown how gutless you are, how toothless your planning and review process is, and how meek the residents of Toronto are, there's really no need. So screw you.
      

Here's our list:

The Flatiron Building
       This has long been an eyesore and, quite frankly, an architectural joke in a modern city like Toronto. We simply do not need a building shaped like a piece of pie, or a wedge of cake, or even a flatiron, whatever the hell that is.
       We are currently engaging in discussions with several clients in the fast-food and hot-beverage franchise business who are in need of additional corporate office space.
       We therefore expect your help in expropriation. Our plans include tearing the Flatiron Building down in the spring of 2001. Rest assured, after we haul off the last of the rubble, we'll put up something nice in its place, and the city can undertake to square up the adjacent streets. By the way, we do not feel the need to tell you what we plan to build. But as a matter of courtesy, we can assure you it won't be triangular.

Old City Hall
       As developers, we must look to the future without being blinded by the past; as municipal officers, you cannot allow sentiment to interfere with the ongoing development of the city.
       We therefore envision dismantling this quaint, elderly and outdated structure and erecting in its place an office tower of some 60 storeys, with a square footprint; we plan to use plain grey concrete cladding on the new structure because we feel the corner needs more grey -- and, according to our architects, this can be seen as a post-modern nod to New City Hall.
       Speaking of which.

New City Hall
       Distinctive, but silly; you know this one's got to go. And anyway, once we tear down Old City Hall (see 2. above), the nature of the neighbourhood changes in such a way as to make it feasible for us to erase the whole of Nathan Phillips Square.
       The transfer of the present municipal offices to Metro Hall should be completed by 2003; as you know, this is something that ought to have been done long ago.
       As soon as we blow up the present municipal building currently on site, we will be able to provide parking for the tenants of the office tower we're erecting across the street. However, we are not entirely mindless of our "roots" -- we'll call the new building the Nathan Phillips Tower, and we will also make every effort to maintain all the sculpture currently installed on the site, provided that we can obtain grants sufficient to offset the commercial value of the land the sculptures occupy.

Royal York Hotel
       Once negotiations are finalized, and the purchase is complete, what can we say but "kaboom!" We will blow up this sentimental old hulk and build a real hotel in its place. We understand there may be some public outcry, but we plan to offset any anticipated protest by preserving the front desk in the lobby.
       But that's as far as we go.

Princes' Gate, CNE
       As you are aware, this structure has long interfered with the efficient and economical flow of traffic at the CNE; the angel is distracting, and quite frankly we find the symbolism offensive in our pluralistic society.
       Once the gate is dismantled, and the angel destroyed, we'll lease the operation of the entrance to one of the city's private parking firms.

Osgoode Hall
       The law is an ass; kiss your ass goodbye -- this is the best location in the city for new condo development.

CN Tower
       Although this building continues to turn a sizable profit, and has become an identifiable part of the city skyline, it occupies space that could be better utilized by one or more of the "big-box" retail stores. We anticipate no trouble over blowing the tower to smithereens; after all, the pony-tail crowd never liked it in the first place.

Kensington Market
       We have no real plans for this part of town; we simply plan to raze the entire, rat-ridden neighbourhood.
       We do this stuff because we can.

       Yours sincerely,

       Oxlympia and Yorkford

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